lost my sticky.

I have realised that I need to be honest with myself about this blog. I have got to admit that I do not have the sticking power to continue writing it on any form of regular basis. Initially I thought it would be like a form of sounding board where I could share my thoughts and have people respond to them and share their thoughts in return.

Life is often more interesting when there is a discussion as opposed to a monologue.

I have also realised that a lot of what I want to write is quite personal, and for those things I have a handwritten journal. One where I'm not waiting for somebody to read and reply.

I shall still keep my blog for times when I want to share something (just in case anyone actually looks at it), and to keep record of any interesting things that I see on the web.

Sorry to have hyped this up at christmas for it to have been a flop. But thank you to the people who have read my posts. I hope you enjoyed the read.

Beckie x

Roma.

So, my second full day in Rome and I am leaving early tomorrow morning to go to Naples. Two full days here isn't by any means enough to explore this city properly, but I have managed to achieve some of the things I wanted to do.

On my first afternoon here I wasn't feeling too good and I arrived quite late in the day at about 4pm. I went into the city though (I am staying quite far out from the centre) and had a look round the Pantheon. It wasn't what I was expecting. I think my mind had built up a picture of a more Greek-style temple, so I was a bit confused when I got there!

My first full day (yesterday) was much better. I spent most of the day wandering around the Colosseum, Roman Forum and Palatine hill. I was absolutely in my element! This was the main reason for my visit to Rome (and indeed Naples) this time round. The weather was beautiful yesterday despite forecast of heavy rain and storms. It probably sounds weird and geeky, but I actually had tears in my eyes at some points. I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer history and the power of this place. Just mind-blowing.

Today I had a bit of a lie-in as I'd been woken up by the aforementioned forecast thunderstorms in the night. I went with two of the guys from the hostel to Vatican City and we looked round St. Peter's Basilica. It seemed like a strange place for worship. Everything is so opulent and showy that I think I would find it distracting and difficult to focus on prayer. But then I'm not Catholic and probably pray in a different way. But all the same it was very beautiful inside. The camera on my phone could in no way do it justice but I took a couple of snaps anyway! I'll share them when I'm home so that they're not the wrong way round!

I kind of feel like I should have done more in Rome. Today involved a lot of wandering, but it wasn't fruitless. We came upon an excavated site near a tram stop which was he ruins of some ancient Roman temple, which also appeared to be the favourite sleeping ground for the local cats! Probably lots of lovely mice to chase, and plenty of warm, sunny spots!

Tonight I think about five of us from the hostel are going to go out for a meal and then I need to get pack up ready to go in the morning. I'm looking forward to Naples. Obviously, as I said, the ancient Roman stuff is a big part of it for me, but I will also have a full day to explore the city/Amalfi coast. And then it's home on Monday. I'll try to do a blog in Naples, mostly for my own sense of completeness. For now, I'm going to sit in the hostel garden, write in my journal, and make the most of these days of freedom.

Firenze.

I got to Florence today. Had a bit of a nothingy morning in Venice as it was raining quite heavily and I had to get my train at lunchtime. But it was quite nice to sit and relax for a while before travelling.
Italian trains really are great! Very comfortable and quick! I got to Florence at about 12:30, and after checking in at my hostel (which is a really beautiful place to stay) I went on a wander for some sights and some food. James, you will be proud of me. I went the most direct route I could find to Emporio Gelateria in the Oltrarno area, and had myself a gelato lunch! The photo is of my gelato (chocolate, ricotta and fig, and mascarpone and nutella) with the River Arno and the Ponte Vecchio in the background.
After this I headed towards the Uffizi and the Duomo, the other side of the river, and instantly fell head over heels in love with this city. Such a beautiful place. Everything is so colourful and ornate. Such care and love seem to have gone into the architecture here, and I can feel it in every street I walk down.
I sat in the Piazza Santa Maria Novella and had a cappucino (possibly the best coffee i've ever had!) at a little bar. The sun was starting to set, illuminating the yellows and cream of the buildings even more, which was accentuated by the brooding dark clouds behind. Stunning :-)
I'm back at the hostel now, deciding whether to eat cheaply at the hostel (€3) or splash out somewhere else (€7) haha! No contest! I'm eating out!
Also this hostel sells bottles of chianti for €2.50... Someone buy some cheese and we've got ourselves a party!
Love to everyone reading xx
Sorry about the pictures being the wrong way round! My blogger app doesn't seem to understand portrait!

Venezia.

Buonasera!
I arrived here safely and my journey went very smoothly. Much to my delight as well, it's not really rained since i've been here. Just been quite overcast and grey. But it hasn't detracted from the beauty of this unique city.
My hostel is lovely, set back from the Rialto Market area in a little square. I've just been chatting to a girl from Hong Kong who is doing a similar journey to mine. It feels good to be bold and meet new people. Very liberating!
I didn't really get chance to start exploring today until about 4:30ish, so I mooched around the Pizza San Marco (which was such a beautiful shock coming out from a series of narrow, tall-buildinged streets into this huge square with some of the most impressive buildings I have ever seen). I decided to get in for a look around the Palazzo Ducale before it closed at 7pm, and was awed and humbled by the size of the place. Because it was late in the day, it wasn't too busy. At one point I had the largest room in Europe all to myself. I followed the route from these grand, ornate rooms down to the prisons, across the Bridge of Sighs. The contrast was huge, even just in the temperature. I actually felt my skin shudder a bit, looking into these cells where people had once been placed, centuries ago.
On my way back to the hostel, I needed to find some food for dinner. I spied an osteria in a side street and a smile spread across my face. These little places sell wine and bits of bread with ham and other ingredients. I stood at a little bar for about 40 minutes, surrounded by Italian voices, and wrote in my journal. Then I came back here and felt like I wanted to share it with you all as well :-) sorry if I've rambled (two small glasses of wine are clearly enough for me!). I hope you've enjoyed reading.
Not sure what tomorrow holds yet, other than an early start. More updates and stories soon!
Lots of love too all.
Ciao xx

lone.

I developed a black and white film recently in the darkroom which I had shot and finished almost a year ago in April-May 2011. The shots on the film were a mixture of two trips, the first was a Sheffield Uni PhotoSoc trip to Edinburgh for a weekend, and the second was a day trip to Hardwick Hall. The latter trip held no major events or happenings, but was a particularly poignant day for me.


I had got my National Trust membership the previous summer and had been wanting to go to Hardwick Hall for months, but hadn't managed to achieve it. I'd been waiting so that I could go with a friend, but for months we couldn't get our schedules to collide. In May 2011, on the day after my last exam, the sunlight was drifting through a haze of clouds, and everything appeared to have that warm hue which you often find in the summertime. I had nothing that needed to be done. No expectations of me. No prior engagements. So I drove to Hardwick Hall on my own, singing in my car on the way, and spent the day there.
I spent hours taking photos, drawing, thinking, breathing, listening to music, eating lunch, engaging other people (which is something you almost forget how to do when locked away during exam time). It was such a simple day, but it felt important to me as an occasion where I took a small but brave step and ventured somewhere new on my own. I also felt liberated putting myself first and immersing myself in all the things which make me feel more human, connected, and free.


When I saw the negatives of this trip as I pulled the roll of film out of the developing tank, I felt reassured by this previous demonstration of my self-confidence, and my ability to enjoy time alone.


In four days, I am embarking on a lone trip to Italy, not for one day, but for ten days. It is one of the most exciting, and most scary things I have ever done. I'm not sure what to expect, but I am confident that my mind and my spirit will be enriched in many ways by all the things, people and places that I am going to experience. And I take courage from the memories of my day at Hardwick Hall that being alone is not necessarily lonely, and that I am about to have a great adventure.

 

Apologies if the images look a little bit pixelated. I think they've got a bit squashed by some technology somewhere.

faith.

Taken in Edinburgh, Easter 2011. 

springing.

Spring has always been my favourite time of year, when you can sense this grand feeling of excited anticipation of everything bursting into green and colour. The days are getting warmer (apart from Sheffield's April blizzard yesterday!) and also getting longer. Getting up in the morning feels almost like a joy, as though the sun is streaming in through my window to personally greet me and fill me full of light. It's novel not to have to wear six layers of clothes every day!


My apple trees are just about to pop with blossoms, and I'm going to try and document the process in some sort of time-lapse thing. With the four-day Easter weekend ahead, I plan to spend as much time outside as possible, soaking up the season!

holiday planning.

I've just had two weeks off (well... to write an essay), and I feel like I've managed to achieve loads of things which I didn't have time to do before. A visit to home for a few days and catching up with a lifelong friend over cocktails and dinner; clearing the winter out of my Sheffield garden and planting a variety of tasty goodies; developing a black and white film which has been sitting in my room since May last year (photos to come); spending some proper time with my rabbit; and planning my holiday to Italy.

Photo not by me (obviously)... just something which is inspiring me!

It's only 3 weeks now until I fly out to Venice for my 10 day trip around Italy, and I can't describe how excited I am. I've booked all of my hostels and trains, and am currently working my way through the guide book. I feel like I just want to spend all my time reading about Italy and planning what I want to do, but I've still got three weeks of medicine to focus on before I go.

I found this photo of Venice just on Google images, and it fills me with a sense of gratitude and warmth that I will be here soon, free to explore and discover whatever I desire, and enjoy the beauty of this marvellous country.

I am trying to make some plans for things that I'd like to see and do when I am in Italy. If you've been to Italy or know someone who's been there, please do send your recommendations my way! I intend to squeeze as much as I possibly can out of Italy!

I will try to blog a bit while I am there, but if I don't have time to write a post, then you can check out what I'm doing/seeing on twitter @ribbitrivett181

Such fun!

new beautiful header.

This is just a little post to say a massive thank you to my friend, Miki, who created this gorgeous header for my blog. She is a woman of many talents, but her drawing and creativity are especially beautiful, as you can all see!

(It's 3 and a bit weeks until I go on my solo trip to Italy, so there will be some posts about that soon! Any suggestions of things to see and do there are welcome. Exciting!)

superia duper.

I had a day off this Thursday as there were no clinics for me to go to, and so instead I did something that I'd been meaning to do for a while. I started a roll of colour film (Superia 100) in my camera last summer, and somehow hadn't finished it, although I had been out recently to take some photos when it was very cold. Jack and I had planned to go and see three of our best friends in Sheffield for a coffee in the morning, so the old Nikon came with me and I finished my last few shots.

I then made a bit of an error by taking the film to be processed at Boots, but I was just so excited about seeing my photos that I needed them there and then... well, within 1 hour! And as I was looking through the photos once they were processed, I really relished in the memories that were attached to them. A day trip to Alton Towers in the Summer with friends (cheekily changed this to mono); spending time in the Peaks with Jack's family when they came to visit; wrapping up warm on a cold Sunday and capturing the shapes of Winter; finding some space, peace, and fresh air at Burbage in the snow; crocuses opening up to bring in the Spring; and, of course, great coffee with great friends.

coming back.

Well, it has been a while since I last even looked at my blog, let alone wrote in it. I had a wonderful burst of passion for it over Christmas when I started writing, and felt that I had all of these things that I wanted to say, for myself but also to share with others. And then recently I hit a little metaphorical wall, and realised that there were lots of thoughts that I wanted to write about, but that I really didn't want other people to read about. And I think that panicked me a bit, so I stopped writing on here altogether, maybe fearing that I might write a little something that I would regret.

So, I have addressed this issue, and am enjoying the luxury that I can write and share whatever I like on here, whilst also having my personal paper journal for my own private thoughts. And that suits me fine!

And in fact there is some progress for my blog as well, since my good friend, Miki, who is hoping to go into illustration as a career, and who has massive talent, is creating a header for my blog. I have to hold my hands up and admit that the current one is just a bit of a rushed job on Paint, because I wanted something there that was more than just text. Miki and I are collaborating ideas at the moment and we will hopefully have created something soon. Exciting!

In other life news, I am about to finish my first proper clinical placement, which has been in psychiatry for six weeks. After my confidence blip before Christmas, I was feeling quite nervous about starting this placement. The thought of taking a history from a nice old lady was daunting enough for me, let alone somebody who was potentially psychotic or irritable. To add to this, my lack of experience of the subject had painted me a picture of a very negative place that was lacking in hope for the patients. It turned out to be quite the opposite, and I have really enjoyed this placement to the point that I am considering it as a career. I have felt very privileged to be let into the lives (which are often unbelievably troubled) of people who have never met me, but just trust that I will try my hardest to understand how they are feeling, and to help in any way I can...

relax, release them, let them go.

Today has felt like a bit of a strange day. It hasn't been a bad day, in that nothing bad has happened, but I have had a generally low feeling throughout the day for no apparent reason.


I'm aware that I've been reprimanding myself during the day for eating slightly too much, and for eating when I didn't really want food. I have also come down on myself a bit for not doing any exercise today, with thoughts that other people around me are better than me at exercising, and at sticking to a plan for exercising and being healthy... now that I think about it, I have been comparing myself to other people in terms of attractiveness and slimness as well, which leads to the negative part of my mind telling me that I'm not as happy or successful as those people because I'm not as attractive as them.


It's silly, isn't it?


To help me try and turn these thoughts and feelings around, my counsellor recommended a really good website to me which helps you build your self-esteem and train your mind to overcome its resistance to positive thinking.


This evening I've been looking through the "Transform Your Attitude - Change Your Life" pages of the website, which I urge anyone to look at, even if they are not struggling with low self-esteem. Some of the positive affirmations they offer are really boosting. I think my choice of positive phrase for today is:


I choose to be gentle with myself.


Rather than being cross with myself for not doing exercise today - something which I cannot change - I will learn from it, and go swimming tomorrow instead.
Instead of feeling that I am less attractive than other women, I will remind myself of the things that some of my loved ones have told me about my beauty and my successes.


But right now it's time for bed, and I'm hoping that sleep will also help to brighten my mood. Tomorrow is a new day, and my mind is open to the possibilities that it will bring.

birds.

Since I have re-embarked on this journey of self-discovery recently, I have been tapping into some of the spiritual beliefs which I used to hold. Not necessarily religious ones, simply feelings that seem to be rooted somewhere other than just my mind.


One of those feelings is that inside of me there is an angel, who is made up of all the wonderful people who have supported me, loved me, encouraged me, and inspired me since I was born. I believe that when I die, my angel will carry on. If I pass on the love and care that has been given to me, then maybe I might help to grow somebody else's angel too.


So, that's why I have a tattoo of wings on my back. To remind me of all the positive things that are inside of me, and inside of others. 


Sort of linked to angels, I have also had a fascination and love of birds. I know it's cheesy but the line in Forrest Gump always seems to sum it up - "Dear God, make me a bird." If I could come back as something else after I die, it would be a bird. It seems like a childish and floaty thing to say, but it really is a deep, deep desire that I become a bird one day. 


So... on a tattoo related theme (because people say that they're addictive!) I feel like I want to symbolise this desire in some way that is tangible. In my mind, I visualise it being a small flock of about six or seven birds (sort of dove-shaped birds) all flying, silhouetted. The big decision, though, is where to have them. As I am going into the medical profession, I have to look "normal" and "respectable" by not having tattoos anywhere on show while I am at work, which is fine. But it makes this choice a little more tricky! In fact, I'd even appreciate suggestions!


Today I thought I'd play around with a bit of face-paint and draw a little practice bird.

Obviously it wouldn't be on my arm, and I imagine each bird would be smaller than this, but it's a start! A fresh, new, exciting start...

happy new ears.

Okay... so starting 2012 with a monster hangover perhaps hasn't been my finest moment; however, beyond the pounding headache and the dodgy tummy, I have a feeling that this year will offer some very positive opportunities.

On 9th January I will begin the next phase of my medical degree. I had quite a major confidence wobble during the past six months, and consequently sought some counselling in order to understand how I was feeling and the reasons for those feelings. Having had some time over the Christmas period to relax and allow my mind and soul to recuperate, I now feel much stronger and more ready to enjoy and succeed in the clinical parts of my training. I'm also really looking forward to embarking on some of the things which I wanted to do before but felt a bit nervous about, like going to jive classes, and doing more exercise. 

This feels like a good time to make a little list of "resolutions", seeing as that's the tradition!

In 2012 I would like to:

• do at least one thing every day which is purely for me,
• be assertive and confident when I am working on placement,
• eat smaller portions of food,
• go to jive once a week,
• swim a mile once a week,
• go to choir once a week,
• write more poetry,
• take more beautiful photos,
• go to Italy,
• actually make a budget and stick to it so that I feel more relaxed about money,
• make more effort to keep in touch with my friends, both in Sheffield and elsewhere,
• tell the people I love that I love them.

So here's to new beginnings. Although I said will write more new poetry this year, I'd like to share a poem that I wrote a while back about beginnings and going through changes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here we are again, 

on the turn from yesterday,

tripping over our own feet in a change of

direction,

affections focused on some things new,

with flickers of yesterday still looking through

the cracks in the wall -

barrier

between today and what used to be.

But you could still tear it down and revisit

and see,

if you wanted to.

I wouldn't recommend it.

It's about time we moved on.

Not because of bad times gone,

but because lives are always changing,

stars and patterns rearranging themselves,

a fresh hand dealt to longing arms,

reaching out for something better.

Sometimes change will hurt.

But soon enough

we will adjust,

and touch our fingers on the sands of comfort,

and turn our heads to the seas of dawn,

and not feel scared.