relax, release them, let them go.

Today has felt like a bit of a strange day. It hasn't been a bad day, in that nothing bad has happened, but I have had a generally low feeling throughout the day for no apparent reason.


I'm aware that I've been reprimanding myself during the day for eating slightly too much, and for eating when I didn't really want food. I have also come down on myself a bit for not doing any exercise today, with thoughts that other people around me are better than me at exercising, and at sticking to a plan for exercising and being healthy... now that I think about it, I have been comparing myself to other people in terms of attractiveness and slimness as well, which leads to the negative part of my mind telling me that I'm not as happy or successful as those people because I'm not as attractive as them.


It's silly, isn't it?


To help me try and turn these thoughts and feelings around, my counsellor recommended a really good website to me which helps you build your self-esteem and train your mind to overcome its resistance to positive thinking.


This evening I've been looking through the "Transform Your Attitude - Change Your Life" pages of the website, which I urge anyone to look at, even if they are not struggling with low self-esteem. Some of the positive affirmations they offer are really boosting. I think my choice of positive phrase for today is:


I choose to be gentle with myself.


Rather than being cross with myself for not doing exercise today - something which I cannot change - I will learn from it, and go swimming tomorrow instead.
Instead of feeling that I am less attractive than other women, I will remind myself of the things that some of my loved ones have told me about my beauty and my successes.


But right now it's time for bed, and I'm hoping that sleep will also help to brighten my mood. Tomorrow is a new day, and my mind is open to the possibilities that it will bring.

birds.

Since I have re-embarked on this journey of self-discovery recently, I have been tapping into some of the spiritual beliefs which I used to hold. Not necessarily religious ones, simply feelings that seem to be rooted somewhere other than just my mind.


One of those feelings is that inside of me there is an angel, who is made up of all the wonderful people who have supported me, loved me, encouraged me, and inspired me since I was born. I believe that when I die, my angel will carry on. If I pass on the love and care that has been given to me, then maybe I might help to grow somebody else's angel too.


So, that's why I have a tattoo of wings on my back. To remind me of all the positive things that are inside of me, and inside of others. 


Sort of linked to angels, I have also had a fascination and love of birds. I know it's cheesy but the line in Forrest Gump always seems to sum it up - "Dear God, make me a bird." If I could come back as something else after I die, it would be a bird. It seems like a childish and floaty thing to say, but it really is a deep, deep desire that I become a bird one day. 


So... on a tattoo related theme (because people say that they're addictive!) I feel like I want to symbolise this desire in some way that is tangible. In my mind, I visualise it being a small flock of about six or seven birds (sort of dove-shaped birds) all flying, silhouetted. The big decision, though, is where to have them. As I am going into the medical profession, I have to look "normal" and "respectable" by not having tattoos anywhere on show while I am at work, which is fine. But it makes this choice a little more tricky! In fact, I'd even appreciate suggestions!


Today I thought I'd play around with a bit of face-paint and draw a little practice bird.

Obviously it wouldn't be on my arm, and I imagine each bird would be smaller than this, but it's a start! A fresh, new, exciting start...

happy new ears.

Okay... so starting 2012 with a monster hangover perhaps hasn't been my finest moment; however, beyond the pounding headache and the dodgy tummy, I have a feeling that this year will offer some very positive opportunities.

On 9th January I will begin the next phase of my medical degree. I had quite a major confidence wobble during the past six months, and consequently sought some counselling in order to understand how I was feeling and the reasons for those feelings. Having had some time over the Christmas period to relax and allow my mind and soul to recuperate, I now feel much stronger and more ready to enjoy and succeed in the clinical parts of my training. I'm also really looking forward to embarking on some of the things which I wanted to do before but felt a bit nervous about, like going to jive classes, and doing more exercise. 

This feels like a good time to make a little list of "resolutions", seeing as that's the tradition!

In 2012 I would like to:

• do at least one thing every day which is purely for me,
• be assertive and confident when I am working on placement,
• eat smaller portions of food,
• go to jive once a week,
• swim a mile once a week,
• go to choir once a week,
• write more poetry,
• take more beautiful photos,
• go to Italy,
• actually make a budget and stick to it so that I feel more relaxed about money,
• make more effort to keep in touch with my friends, both in Sheffield and elsewhere,
• tell the people I love that I love them.

So here's to new beginnings. Although I said will write more new poetry this year, I'd like to share a poem that I wrote a while back about beginnings and going through changes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here we are again, 

on the turn from yesterday,

tripping over our own feet in a change of

direction,

affections focused on some things new,

with flickers of yesterday still looking through

the cracks in the wall -

barrier

between today and what used to be.

But you could still tear it down and revisit

and see,

if you wanted to.

I wouldn't recommend it.

It's about time we moved on.

Not because of bad times gone,

but because lives are always changing,

stars and patterns rearranging themselves,

a fresh hand dealt to longing arms,

reaching out for something better.

Sometimes change will hurt.

But soon enough

we will adjust,

and touch our fingers on the sands of comfort,

and turn our heads to the seas of dawn,

and not feel scared.